9am

We are obsessed with starting at 9am and I really don’t get it.

Actually, I do. There are many good reasons why things begin at 9am. And I know all about these reasons because I was told everything about them by an unsolicited Slovenian.

However, for the purposes of this article I have completely ignored this.

It is objectively true that no-one of sound mind enjoys traffic. Most people hate it. So, it makes no sense to me that we start and end our days battling through it.

What we should do instead is take advice from certain weddings. The ones that provide buffets instead of the more civilized, and thus correct, table-service. Usually, only one table is allowed up at a time to serve themselves. Which is of course barbarous. But it does avoid a stampede of hungry guests and is an example of sensible staggering.

I believe that we should emulate this practise by staggering people’s start-times.

Keyworkers could perhaps start at 9am, given their necessity. But maybe hairdressers could start at 10am? Bowling alley attendants at 11am? Sandwich artists at 12pm? And of course, estate and letting agents at 2am or never again.   If we did this, road traffic could be spread across a full 24 hours and the roads would be quieter for all. Leading to a lot less commuter stress, many a happier life, and fewer beaten children.

Naturally, it would mean that socialising would become harder as no-one would be able to coordinate schedules. And many marriages would have to be sacrificed for similar reasons. But this is no excuse to be unambitious. It’s a small price to pay for a peaceful commute.

After all, we don’t need to be social. We don’t need loving, caring relationships with others. They’re just a vulgar indulgence.

What we do need is lighter traffic. And soon.

Anyway, just a thought. Chew it over. Let me know.